I have one stepson who is autistic and mentally challenged. He attended a private school for special needs children in elementary and junior high school and then went to a very large public school for high school. While he did benefit when he was young from having like peers and avoiding the harassment many of these children face, I must say that his years in public high school were his happiest. He was in a special needs class, but did attend others classes he was interested in. For example, he is a huge history buff. He loved the history class and the other students were very kind to him. Socially, Jack is very outgoing and friendly and he very much enjoyed the social interaction and the pride of attending a “normal” school.

My son attended private schools for special needs children (some Asperger’s, some with other difficulties), as well as a special needs boarding school. I believe he needed to be in a private environment. He was very sensitive to bullying and being “different” and he didn’t feel that way in those schools. The boarding school was a fabulous experience for him. Like many special needs parents, I think I babied him too much and being away from home for high school with other very high functioning kids really raised the bar for him and made him perform at a much higher level.

So, I guess I’d have to say that the selection of a school is unique to the child. I would be concerned, if faced with the choice today, about advocating unilaterally for an “all-Asperger’s” school. My view is that our kids will have to interact with the world one day and the more exposure they have to it, the better. I do believe that they are better equipped emotionally to handle it as young adults of, say, high school age. It is so hard to walk that fine line.

We are pleased to announce that Barnes & Noble has selected Saving Max for the monthly Fiction Book Club Discussion this February!

Join readers and Antoinette as we discuss Saving Max on the Barnes & Noble Community online, as well as invite others through Facebook and Twitter.  The discussion will be divided into three main parts, starting with answering some questions about your take on the book and the characters.  Click here to join the conversation now!

I am a debut author, so my experience is very fresh in my mind.  I started writing my novel twelve (yes, twelve) years ago.  I had written all my life, but had never embarked upon writing a novel.  As a former lawyer (you know all lawyers think they can write and have a great novel inside them just waiting to be typed), I learned my craft by writing and re-writing.  And I mean rewriting.  By the time my book, a thriller, was published, I had rewritten the novel twenty-three times.  Thousands of trees lie strewn in the forests from the paper that hit my circular file.  I did learn my craft on that book and am very hopeful that I will never have to suffer the agony and years it took to put that one together.  If it does, I’ll be in Depends by the time the next one is published.

After about four years into the process of working with various readers, I had what I considered to be a good draft.  I contacted a New York company that came highly recommended in finding agents for new authors and for the particular genre involved.  I gave them a summary of the novel and they gave me the names of five agents they thought I should approach.  All had good credentials and after I contacted the first on the list, I thought she was a perfect fit.  Unfortunately, after working with her for over a year on the original draft, she insisted I rewrite the entire novel from the perspective of a minor character, a detective.  I was so naïve.  I thought that because she was a successful agent, surely she must be right about her proposal.  She was the one who knew how to sell books, right?  So, I spent another few years rewriting the novel based upon her suggestions.  The result?  I hated it.  She loved it.  She sent it to every major publishing company in New York, all of whom soundly rejected it.  They couldn’t figure out what genre to market it as:  a mystery (which it wasn’t), a thriller (which it wasn’t because the killer was revealed too soon), or a typical detective novel (which fit none of the normal criteria).  I was crushed.  The agent said to put the novel away and write something new.  I couldn’t.  The subject matter of the book was very personal to me. I had to have that book written and published before I could go onto anything else.

So.  I fired the agent and went back to the company who suggested her.  I asked one of the principals to read both versions:  the original and the one that I had changed for the agent.  She agreed that it should have been written from the original point of view and that the agent simply “didn’t get the book.”  Back to the drawing board.  She also offered to be a reader for me while I rewrote the book – again.  After another three or four years of taking the novel completely apart, I had a draft that she and I agreed was ready to submit to another agent.  A few agents were contacted; none were interested.  I felt even more depressed and hopeless about the book ever hitting the shelf.  My reader, however, stuck with it and managed to sneak the first fifty pages to the agent of the stars:  Al Zuckerman of Writers House.

He called me the next day and was very excited about the novel.  Of course, he said, it couldn’t be sold in its current form.  I groaned.  As any writer who has had the good fortune to have Al represent them, they know that he has his own unique and meticulous way of putting a novel together.  He is a highly exacting editor who is completely immersed in the novel, not just an agent who passes books along to publishers and hopes for the best.  So, there went another two years as the novel was again picked apart and rewritten.  At least then I felt I was on the right track with my agent.  By that time I decided that whether or not it was ever published, at least it would be the book that I had originally intended to write.  I was very jaded at that point.  If it sold, it sold.  If it didn’t, at least I could finally move on and start writing something else.

The day came when Al agreed the novel was ready for submission to the publishing companies.  Again, the rejections piled up in the special black box I had reserved specifically for that purpose.  Again, no one wanted it.  My agent was amazed.  Al doggedly continued on his course.  I was doing the dishes one day and the telephone rang.  Someone was actually thrilled with the book and wanted to buy it!  I almost fainted.  The money wasn’t great, but it would be out there – on a shelf with my name on it for all to see!

From that point on, I must say, my experience with my editor and publishing company has been fantastic.  Unlike most publishers, they made it their mission to do everything possible to market the book.  I had a dedicated publicist and a local literary publishing company to really push the book out there.  I was on the moon and have been ever since.  It has already exceeded my childhood dream of being able to walk into a bookstore and see a book with my name on it.

So, over a decade of losses and gains, it’s out there.  All I can say is that publishing a novel requires perseverance beyond what any reader could imagine.  There are so many wonderful novels out there that are never published.  I am clearly one of the lucky ones.  One thing I’ve learned is that the publishing business is a complete mystery – a totally subjective world of agents and editors that I frankly can never hope to understand.

I also learned that being Dutch is probably the only way I stuck with it.  Everyone knows how stubborn the Dutch are!

Here is a picture of my son Brendan and I enjoying the company.

I am the parent of two autistic children, one of whom is Asperger’s, now age 22. The hardest part about my son’s transition into young adulthood was just letting go. As most parents of special needs children, I over-functioned for him – big time.

Not only did I protect him from children who bullied him and doctors and psychiatrists who just didn’t seem to get him, but I did things for him he simply couldn’t do for himself.

For example: tying his shoes. He didn’t have the coordination or patience to learn, so to avoid a tantrum and the inevitable meltdowns, I tied them for him.  Sometimes you forego the war to win the battle. As he got older and was more capable of taking care of himself, my over-functioning for him didn’t go away.  This made him regressive, until he finally informed me in no uncertain terms to stop treating him like a baby.

My real slap in the face about letting him go was when he turned 16.  He went to a special needs boarding school for four years, where he developed quickly because he was forced to be challenged and live up to his potential. When he left, I was terrified! Did I make a mistake in sending him? Should I have kept him at home even though it was clear that he was making absolutely no progress in the schools in our city? After the reassurance of all of the progress he was making, letting go got easier, but my mommy reflexes still kick in at the slightest provocation and I have to be constantly on guard against them.  They are no good for him and no good for me.

When he finished that program, there was the question that faces the parents of all autistic children:  what now?  How can he go further in life, get a job and, if not, lead a full and productive life?  We were very fortunate in finding a terrific residential community, where the excellent staff has helped him continue his progress and find work training experience. Now he has a wonderful job, participates in Special Olympics and he has even developed some friendships.

Here are lessons I learned throughout this lengthy, but ultimately very rewarding journey with my autistic son as he grew into an adult:

• Medication and puberty: As puberty sets in, medication regimens can go haywire for a lot of teenagers.  What worked before literally stops working, in many cases.  Observe the changes carefully – good or bad – and work closely with your child’s doctor.

• Planning for the future:  Consult a financial expert in trusts and discover if there is a way to structure your child’s welfare after you are gone.  This is, of course, the greatest nightmare of parents of special needs adults:  who will care for my child after I’m gone?

• Finances: Consider every available state, local and federal programs that might benefit your child. MHMR (at least here in Texas) will give free medications and psychological assistance to those in financial need.  I was unaware until recently that when I reach 62 and go on Medicare, my son will be able to receive Medicare benefits at the same time. There are many differences between Medicare and Medicaid.  This link explains the difference.

• Building a support system: Explore churches, who are often more than willing to create a “job” based upon the needs and abilities of autistic adults. Reach out to national and local autism societies that have sprung up everywhere on the web. They offer great advice and direction for parents who don’t know where to turn and are a magnificent resource to connect with other parents who have the same issues.  Let your friends and family help you.  Don’t feel you need to do everything yourself.  As I was told at one point:  “You can’t be the entire bus.  You have to drive it.”

Above all, never lose hope.  No one ever gave me any indication that my son would be able to do a fraction of the things he is doing now. Miracles happen.